Intimate Relationships Intimate relationships usually start out on a cloud — riding high on love, happiness, passion, trust, closeness, and all of the other things that make an intimate relationship one of the most marvelous experiences that a human being can enjoy.   Most intimate relationships change sooner or later.  Many come down to earth, but the qualities that were there in the beginning endure.  The relationship grows deeper and more satisfying.  The fireworks may not come as often, but the love is just as great or greater. These are the relationships that last.   Other intimate relationships may change in ways that neither partner wanted nor could have anticipated.  There are many factors that can contribute to these detrimental changes, most commonly:    Disagreements and fighting Unrealistic expectations Lack of skill at solving problems Chronic anger Ineffective communication skills Incorrect perceptions and interpretations Anxiety and/or depression Not getting important needs met Beliefs about how an intimate relationship “should” be Mistakes in processing information   Couple’s Therapy Can Improve Your Relationship   The first step in couple’s therapy is to discover the specific things in your relationship that are contributing to unpleasantness, bad feelings, and perhaps downright misery.  All individuals learn methods of dealing with and coping in relationships starting when they are little children.  Some of these methods are more successful than others.  In therapy, I will ask you many, many questions to bring your relationship styles to light.  Becoming more aware of the ways that you have learned to be in a relationship is essential because you can’t change the things you don’t know!  An important part of this first step is identifying the communication style that you and your partner use over and over again (your couple's loop).  Often, couples have the same fight over and over again.  The only difference is what they are fighting about.  Learning how to stop the loop is vital.   The second step is to teach you ways to stop destructive behaviors and utilize communication skills to change the patterns that are eroding your relationship.  Some of the skills I can help you learn are:   Assertiveness—Learn to express your needs and wants and to set reasonable limits effectively. Listening—Do you really hear what your partner is trying to tell you? The way out of the blame game.  Productive ways of negotiating and solving problems. Information processing skills.  Are your perceptions of your partner and events in your relationship accurate?  If they aren't, you may be reacting to ideas and beliefs and not reality.  Learn the common mistakes that people make in processing information and how to correct yours. How to stop fighting and start communicating. Skills to manage anxiety and/or depression. How to stop painful criticism and instead provide useful, constructive feedback. How each of you can be effective in your relationship. What if your partner refuses to work on the relationship in therapy?  You, as an individual, can learn to become aware of your own relationship style and can learn skills on your own that can make the relationship much better.  Sometimes, during this process, people find that the right course of action is to end the relationship and move on.    With greater awareness, skills training, study, and practice, your relationship can become good again… perhaps even better than before.    Do you have questions about couple's therapy?  Call me at 415-391-1881, and I will be happy to answer them for you.  _________________________________________________________   Valerie Hearn, Ph.D. © 2007    vchearn@sfrelationshipdoc.com